You Are Not Alone
/
The COVID-19 pandemic has upended life as we know it. Everyone is trying to find a sense of normalcy, a sense of stability, and it’s difficult. If you didn’t have any mental health challenges before, maybe you’re experiencing depression for the first time, or waves of anxiety related to your job, your health and/or the health of your family. Perhaps you’re experiencing loss of a loved one or a job, and it feels impossible to grieve because life is simply not the same. For those of us who had mental health challenges before the pandemic, we might find our trials intensified, our coping mechanisms interrupted and our hurdles much higher.
All of this to say, you’re not alone.
Writing is my primary coping mechanism for every odd feeling. My ability to be self-reflective through writing was key in my official diagnosis of depression, and it remains central to my management of the ebb and flow. This week, I looked through some old writing, and I came across a journal entry that I’d like to share. I want to share it because I believe that it is a fair model of the steps to take when feeling depressed, anxious, low, or whatever challenging feeling you might experience.
Before you read on, here is some context that is important:
- This experience occurred well before I was engaged in therapy or medication for depression.
- The girl jumping off the building is reference to a real event that occurred in NYC just down the street from The Metropolitan Room, where I worked at the time.
- I’ve made minor edits to create clarity and to remove the names of people mentioned.
- El Kabong is the masked vigilante version of Quick Draw McGraw, a cartoon that aired in 1959. It is silly and charming, and it contains outdated cultural depictions.
- My parents are totally awesome.
October 2015 - 3:23 am
I woke up about 40 minutes ago. I am completely freaked out. I had a dream that I was falling. That I was alone. Falling dreams happen. I have them sometimes. But this one was different.
A girl jumped off of the building a few doors down from the club where I work. When I first heard the news, I was sad of course – or rather, I expressed sadness because that’s what you do in this situation. Really, I don’t think I truly heard what they said to me. It was like “Oh, yea. Suicide. That’s a thing that happens.” My feeling-self wasn’t really present in that moment to actually comprehend the idea that someone might willingly kill themselves. That she was alive while she was falling. Does a person change their mind in those falling moments? It’s the only situation in which the saying, “Better late than never,” doesn’t apply.
In my dream I was falling. It was too late.
It’s true that I don’t want to kill myself. I’ve experienced the state of grief that suicide leaves in its wake and frankly, I love all of my friends and family far too much to leave them that way. I love myself enough that I’d rather people spend my funeral remembering me and my life, than lamenting the life I could’ve led if only I’d reached out. I’m trying to reach out. I feel trapped a lot of the time. I know the proper steps to take, and I’m glad that I’m loved enough I don’t have to take them alone. It’s scary to talk to people about being depressed – which seems totally stupid because I have no qualms talking about all of my other problems. Maybe it’s because I can’t rationalize the behavior or the feelings. When I’m talking about my men troubles, I can speculate with my friends and psychoanalyze every wrong that was done me. But with this? Well – Depression is a hole that follows you around; a rock that’s tied to your ankle. You can’t psychoanalyze how it might cause you to feel or behave. I can’t say that it’s just “scared of commitment,” or that it’s “clearly got some growing up to do.” That’s not how it works.
I called my dad. I always call my dad when I can’t sleep. Usually it’s because I’m afraid, not because I’m freaking out. Whenever I get scared my dad tells me to imagine El Kabong swooping in with his Kabonger, and bashing my enemies and demons on the head. We talked for a while. Tonight, my problem is depression, and this tight knot in the middle of my gut that makes me want to vomit and faint at the same time.
“I can’t Kabong this one away, Daddy,” I say.
“I know honey,” he says. “But maybe you can try having a cup of tea, and if you need to write about it, do that too.”
So here I am, with a half-assed cup of Sleepytime tea and I’m writing. I picked Sleepytime because it reminds me of home. It smells like mom’s hugs, and it reminds me that when I was young, a cup of tea and mom’s love was enough to get me back to sleep. I know that if she were here, Mom would let me lie in her lap and cry until I fall back asleep. Adulthood is pretty awful.
But then it’s not, because the human who is currently in my bed (where I am not), is a wonderful man. I adore him intensely. Tonight, he asked me, “What’s word that stronger than like, but not as committal or scary as the other L word?”
He’s adorable.
“I really like the word ‘adore.’ It seems to fit well,” I said.
“I adore you,” he smiled. “Like a lot. You know when I don’t adore you? When you’re ajar!”
This is exactly the kind of humor that landed him a first date. It is the first thing that I love about him. Before we fell asleep a few hours ago, he told me that he feels like what we have is special; that he feels he could love me; that I’ve been the best thing about his life for the last month. As he says all of this to me, I am overwhelmed with my feelings toward him and with gratitude. How precious are these moments? I live for these moments. I don’t understand how I can be so sad about anything when I have such an empathetic, loving, and kind man on the verge of falling in love with me.
I wish that depression counseled my outside world. I wish that it took stock of the wonderful people in my life, of my own wonderfulness. If depression worked that way – I wouldn’t be so depressed. If depression worked that way, I could explain why I’m so freaked out, and why I feel so awful. I’m tired of answering with NO when people ask me if I’m okay. I want to be okay. I’m a wonderful person, with many valuable to qualities and talents. I deserve to feel how great my life is. I deserve to feel whole, and desiring of life. I deserve to feel the love of a wonderful man who cares about me intensely. All these things are true.
My dad was right. Writing about it would make me feel better. He knows.
At the very least, I know I’ll change my mind before I jump. Now let’s figure out how to get me off the roof.
Now that I’m five years beyond this experience, I can observe the choices I made that night in a different light. I’ll lay out the steps I took, so that you can take them too.
Reach out to someone who loves you. – For my this is usually my parents. They love me no matter what and I’m so lucky to have them. Sometimes it’s one of my sisters, or my best friend. For you this could be your parents, your best friend, a cousin, or aunt or uncle, your sibling, your whoever.
Use your Words/Voice: Ask for what you need and/or say how you feel. – Do you need comfort? Advice? A cup of tea? A hug? If you don’t know that’s okay! I knew I was seeking comfort, even if I didn’t explicitly ask for comfort. I expressed all of my feelings. I highly recommend leaving nothing out; get it all off your chest. Even if you’re not sure how to say it, try your best! Metaphors or describing physical sensations can be very helpful
Get Physical Comfort. – Take care of your body. For me tea was calming and helpful; the smell reminds me of home and warm tea in my throat is soothing. It isn’t always tea, sometimes it’s simply snuggling in my hoodie, laying down, a heavy blanket, a hot shower, or adding music to my environment. Whatever sensation you need to calm or relax your body is helpful, and the answer isn’t always the same.
Get Mental Comfort – This isn’t always different from the physical element, but for me it involves some reflecting and self-observation. Where am I at right now? What are the feelings that need the most attention? I usually obtain all of this through writing, sometimes by talking it out. Do what you need to do – do some art, make some music, write a poem, shake it out.
Taking Stock and Affirmations – In the example above, I was able to provide this for myself. I took stock of the things I had to call mine, to be thankful for, to look forward to, and I affirmed that I am worthy of all of those things. I’m not always able to do this for myself. The people who love you can help you out with this. If you’re able to get to step one, I am certain that this step can be reached and fulfilled. The people who love you want you know how awesome you are!